The past is never dead, it is not even past. ~William Faulkner
Childhood events shape how we relate to money as adults, and I always ask my financial therapy and money coaching clients about their first memory of money. These seemingly innocent experiences are a virtual goldmine of information, often creating a template for future beliefs, feelings, and behaviors regarding money. The memories I hear range in texture from traumatic to more benign. I’ll share a few examples from my work with clients [all names have been changed to protect privacy] to illustrate the link between childhood experiences and present day behaviors with money.
One of my money coaching clients, Andrea, recently shared an early memory involving the painful way she received allowance from her father, who was quite rigid and parsimonious. On Saturday mornings he’d come home from a visit to the bank and give Andrea her the allowance. It’s how he did it that is so meaningful. He would take each crisp, new dollar bill–crumple it a bit to ensure that none where sticking together–and hand each one individually over to her. She would be flooded with shame as she stood there, watching and waiting for her weekly allowance to be literally doled out to her. When Andrea first came to work with me, she had a very hard time asking for and receiving money. As Andrea shared and released all the underlying feelings regarding these “pay days,” and came to understand the messages she was holding onto about receiving money-messages that where not serving her–she was able to cleanse this toxic shame from her relationship with money and actually asked for and received a significant raise at her job.
Another coaching client, Brenda, experienced a very different type of interaction with money and her father. When Brenda was very young, her father worked as a janitor at a nightclub. He would arrive home early in the morning and give her the loose change and other trinkets he found on the floor of the club, remnants of the evening’s revelry. They would spend cherished time together counting the money. Brenda remembers vividly the feel of the coins and the smell of the paper currency, and when they completed counting all of it the money would be dropped into a coffee can. These are fond memories for Brenda and to this day she keeps her loose change in a coffee can and has a strong preference for using cash versus credit cards or checks.
Contrast this with my client, Linda, who actually hates to carry cash on her. One of her earliest memories is of being sent to the grocery store down the block with a few dollar bills to buy some milk. She arrived at the store to discover that some of the mo’ney had dropped out of her hand along the way. She was in a complete panic, didn’t have enough money to purchase the milk, and was yelled at for being “irresponsible” by her mom upon her return home. So to this day, Linda struggles with trusting herself to carry cash in her wallet and has a preference for credit/debit card purchases. In our money coaching work, she is focusing on this trust issue with her finances, now realizing how this belief system also dictates her very conservative investment style. Not trusting herself is costing her the more abundant returns on her portfolio she could benefit from were she able to embrace a more diversified mix of financial products.
It’s not unusual for childhood money experiences to include an element of loss, especially when you consider the absent-mindedness characteristic of childhood. Some other common feelings and themes that emerge include deprivation, envy, stealing, feeling independent or dependent, worry, ignorance, guilt, feeling controlled or manipulated, or injustice.
Viewed from the other side, one of my clients shared with me a story about telling her young son, exhausted by his relentless requests for an ice cream cone, that she didn’t have any money to buy one. Her son, not deterred by this response, countered with “Just go to the wall and get some more.” It took my client a moment to realize that he was referring to witnessing her withdrawing cash from the ATM! So here–out of the mouth of babes–is another example of how belief systems about money are formed from an early age.
No surprises here…grab your money journal or a pad and pen and start reminiscing. Let your mind wander and see what arises when you think about money during your childhood, trying not to censor any thoughts that enter your mind. You may find that one particular memory feels the most significant. Use this one to mine for your insight gold. Try to recall the specifics of the situation. Here are some questions to guide you on the journey:
- What was happening?
- How old were you?
- Are you alone or are there others there with you?
- Where were you?
- How did you feel?
- Is there a specific message about money you can distill from this memory… either one that you specifically heard or somehow interpreted?
Once you have explored this, now reflect on your current relationship with money and look for parallels, be they behaviors, beliefs, or feelings. Ask yourself if there is anything about this money memory that is keeping you “stuck in time” when it comes to managing your finances today. Is there any healing that needs to occur for you to leave this in the past so you can create the relationship with money that truly serves you today?
I’d love to hear about your money memories! Please share them below in the comments! 
{ 5 comments… read them below or add one }
Hi Lora,
Wow! Very interesting topic and exercise. I’m going to actually sit down and do this, but I wanted to drop you a quick note to share just a bit.
My dad became an entrepreneur out of rejection. Yep, he quit school in 4th grade and started his own business. My mom became an entrepreneur out of need for money and freedom. With 4 girls (so far), she needed the skills to do our hair herself, and the freedom and security of working for herself so she could be home for us.
I grew up knowing these things: 1) money was “hard to come by,” 2) you could do what you were good at and loved doing and be successful, 3) family and freedom were more important than money.
We didn’t get an allowance. Dad always said, (in so many words) “I’d rather you ask for something, and if I can give it to you, I will.” There were things we just couldn’t have, but there were so many things we had, and so many things we were able to do that so many others couldn’t.
I know….I just can’t help my “glass half-full” perspective!
Blessings!
Deni
Hi Deni! So nice to see you here, and thanks so much for sharing this. I hope that when you had some time to sit down and do some journaling on your earliest memory that you were able to gain some powerful insights on how you are relating to money. I always find this to be a fascinating exercise for people! xo
This is always my favorite part of coaching with a client. I always learn something new from others experiences and how they respond to those later in life!
My first memory is of working in the student store in elementary school. I was only about 7 or 8 years old, and I was required to work in the store for a couple of days because I was a part of the school student counsel.
I was terrified of having to take other kids money! I was so afraid that I would not give them the right change. If I gave them too much I might get in trouble with the school and if I gave them too little they might yell at me.
In my own quest for financial and emotional freedom I came to learn that, as an adult I still carried with me a fear of using cash. I knew that I could count money just fine, but “what if I was wrong”?
I have since had the time and experience to adress these issues and now have no fear of using cash. And in doing so I have saved myself much money by catching mistakes by cashiers. What my childhood experience has also given me is a strong sensitivity to those cashiers as I treat them with the respect they deserve.
Thank you Lora for encouraging this reflection!
Nate, Thanks so much for taking the time to share this insightful example with us! It reminds me to be more mindful myself when on the checkout line!
Hi Lora:
Most of my childhood memories are on the negative and stressful side regarding money.
My father was the one controlling money in the household and unfortunately left my mother pennyless often. Money was not a subject we would talk easily and money was a way for my father to control us and show his love, or not.
I do remember sitting at the dining table with him on many occasions and having to just sit there while he was doing his taxes. Not very pleasant for a yound child and I have no memories of receiving an allowance.
I do recall my grandfather giving me money on occasion, but it was always hidden and I had to keep secret about it.
Even if my father had money, he didn’t give any support for my education. I still remember him asking me for “proof” of my nursing license after I had worked two jobs to be able to pay for my school. Without any words of congratulations, he pulled hundred dollar bills and put them on the table for me. I felt it was degrading but a part of me was so upset he never helped before that I took it without feeling proud of my schooling achievement.
So for years, money was not my friend. I’ve had to learn and still am, learning that I am deserving of wealth.
God bless,
Carol