Meet Gretchen, A Recovered Shopaholic
This is the final piece in a three-part series on Compulsive Shopping by guest blogger Terrence Shulman, an expert in this area. Click here to read the first post in the series, “Are You A Shopaholic? And If So, Why Might That Be?” The second post, “Help! I’m A Shopaholic!”, can be found here.
A client who recently counseled with me to address her compulsive shopping problem is “Gretchen.” Gretchen is in her mid-40’s and is the owner of her own beauty business in a trendy suburb of a big city. She is divorced and has two young children–one with special needs. She comes from a very wealthy family who valued money and things and had high expectations that Gretchen would be “successful” in life.
As a teenager, Gretchen rebelled somewhat and was more of a “hippie” than a “preppy.” She was trying to find herself apart from her family’s values and expectations. However, during college, she gradually made a new set of female friends who seemed to be more into fashion and appearances and eventually some of this rubbed off on Gretchen. After all, she wanted to fit in.
Upon graduating from college, she had hoped to become a psychologist but she felt uncertain and ended up getting married to a man who turned out to be a severe alcoholic. During her 10-year marriage, she felt increasingly lonely and stressed and began to shop as an escape from her feelings and situation. Eventually, she got divorced and, due to her humiliation and vulnerability, she allowed her parents to encourage her to start a beauty business close to where they lived. They offered to help her financially to start the business and she took a knack to it.
However, she was still stinging from the divorce and deep inside felt like she was giving up on her dream of becoming a psychologist just to please her parents. In addition, in her business she had to dress a certain way and most of her clientele were very much into fashion and appearances as well. Eventually, she became stressed and felt trapped and lonely and her shopping got out of hand. She was buying clothing, knick-knacks, office supplies and her debt quickly mounted.
Gretchen had never really been taught much about money management; she believed her folks would take care of everything and, for a while, they did. But when they found out she had gotten into debt they were very disappointed and angry with her. They had no sense that this was a cry for help and a sign that something was out of balance. They reluctantly bailed Gretchen out but she never addressed the underlying issues and, within a short period of time her overshopping escalated and she became even more stressed about this and how to hide it.
Finally, she became so depressed she almost had a nervous breakdown. Her parents eventually discovered her shopping debt again and were dumbfounded about what to do. Gretchen found out about my specialized counseling services through an Internet search and immediately started counseling with me on a weekly basis, read my book, began to attend Debtors Anonymous and Alanon meetings, and avoided stores. I also had a session just with Gretchen’s parents to educate them about compulsive shopping as a real disorder.
In time, Gretchen began to take her life back and regain her dignity. She began to stand up for herself and make her own choices. By exploring her family dynamics, and in particular the conflicting values around money and materialism she was raised with, helped Gretchen understand the role her overshopping was playing in her life. It has been a joy to see this intelligent, vibrant, creative woman rebuild her own sense of self from the ground up. She is now a force to be reckoned with and she rarely gets the urge to overshop. She is able to devote more time to her children, a new relationship, and a new business.
Terrence Shulman, JD, LMSW, ACSW, CAAC, CPC, is founder of The Shulman Center for Compulsive Theft & Spending and a sought-after expert in this field. In addition to providing counseling services and training other professionals, he has appeared widely in the media including Oprah, Prime Time, and 48 Hours. He is the author of “Bought Out and $pent! Recovery from Compulsive $hopping and $pending.” For more information and to contact Terrence directly, visit The Shulman Center website.
Tags: Financial Freedom, financial guidance, Financial Therapy, Money Coaching, Money Relationship, Women