Financially Smitten Blog

“In business, you don’t get what you deserve,
you get what you negotiate.”
~ Chester L. Karras

I recently wrote an article about a holistic concept of net worth and in the book, Women’s Worth: Finding Your Financial Confidence, author and certified financial planner Eleanor Blayney devotes a complete [excellent] chapter on ‘human capital.” She states: “…our most valuable asset…is our ability to turn our intelligence, education, skills, and experience into income through work.” She goes on to point out that significant wealth is seldom the result of investments in stocks, bonds, and other traditional assets. Rather, our human capital is the path to wealth building.

Blayney shares an illuminating worksheet that calculates the lifetime value of YOUR earnings and shows how things such as asking for a raise, leaving the work force for three years to parent full-time, or getting retraining impacts the value of human capital over time.

She asserts that “the value of your earnings are every bit as important to grow and manage as your investment accounts.” One way to do this to this is to obtain and sustain a competitive standing in the job market. Blayney shares, “Studies have shown, for example, that a college education can increase lifetime earnings by as much as $1 million.”

However vital keeping yourself re-tooled is, it is trumped by an even more important piece of the equation: “asking for more.” Blayney points out that this is something that men are MUCH more comfortable with. The current wage gap means women earn 77 cents for every dollar earned by men in the same job. This may not seem like much, but to put it in perspective, for female college graduates this will result $1.2 million dollars less in earnings over their working life then their male counterparts!

So far, this is my favorite sentence in the book–and may even be one of the most powerful statements I’ve read my whole life:

“I can state with certainty that the investment of time and money spent on improving [negotiation] skills can make women wealthy in a way that simply becoming savvier about investing cannot.”

I hope this is music to some of your ears, because I know how much you ladies dread comprehending your financial portfolios. Now, I’m in no way saying ignore learning about your investments, but it seems to me that there is something super efficient about using negotiation skills to uplevel one’s income. Blayney attests that it is the biggest bang-for-your-buck ROI. AND, negotiating skills can be leveraged in every area of our lives, not simply in our boss’s or client’s office. Think about how beneficial those skills could be in getting your partner to take out the garbage or accompanying you to that chick flick you’re dying to see!

So, ladies, be on the lookout for more information about developing successful negotiation skills because I’m seeing how important this is to rocking your money mojo–and we are going to be on it!

YOUR ACTION STEPS TO FINANCIAL SMITTEN-HOOD:

I’d like you to pull out your Money Journal and write about your response to this article. What images, words, feelings come to mind when you think about “asking for more” and/or negotiating? These are not typically feminine qualities, so I imagine there may be some conflict arising. I’d love to hear your thoughts about this, especially regarding the gender piece. Please share them with me in the comments section below!

I’ve started reading Eleanor Blayneys’ “Women’s Worth: Finding Your Financial Confidence” for August’s Virtual Book Salon and am loving what she has to share. As a Certified Financial Planner who focuses on women’s financial issues and struggles, I’m finding that her book speaks to me. One of the points she makes early on is that is important for us to ‘know our numbers.” She parallels our physical health to our financial health. Most of us know our blood pressure, our cholesterol levels, our weight, etc. Yet, how many of us have stepped on the ‘credit score scale’ or know our net worth, our tax liability, the total of our monthly fixed expenses? Watch Eleanor talk about the importance of knowing our numbers in this short video:

This is the final piece in a three-part series on Compulsive Shopping by guest blogger Terrence Shulman, an expert in this area. Click here to read the first post in the series, “Are You A Shopaholic? And If So, Why Might That Be?” The second post, “Help! I’m A Shopaholic!”, can be found here.

A client who recently counseled with me to address her compulsive shopping problem is “Gretchen.” Gretchen is in her mid-40’s and is the owner of her own beauty business in a trendy suburb of a big city. She is divorced and has two young children–one with special needs. She comes from a very wealthy family who valued money and things and had high expectations that Gretchen would be “successful” in life.

As a teenager, Gretchen rebelled somewhat and was more of a “hippie” than a “preppy.” She was trying to find herself apart from her family’s values and expectations. However, during college, she gradually made a new set of female friends who seemed to be more into fashion and appearances and eventually some of this rubbed off on Gretchen. After all, she wanted to fit in.

Upon graduating from college, she had hoped to become a psychologist but she felt uncertain and ended up getting married to a man who turned out to be a severe alcoholic. During her 10-year marriage, she felt increasingly lonely and stressed and began to shop as an escape from her feelings and situation. Eventually, she got divorced and, due to her humiliation and vulnerability, she allowed her parents to encourage her to start a beauty business close to where they lived. They offered to help her financially to start the business and she took a knack to it.

However, she was still stinging from the divorce and deep inside felt like she was giving up on her dream of becoming a psychologist just to please her parents. In addition, in her business she had to dress a certain way and most of her clientele were very much into fashion and appearances as well. Eventually, she became stressed and felt trapped and lonely and her shopping got out of hand. She was buying clothing, knick-knacks, office supplies and her debt quickly mounted.

Gretchen had never really been taught much about money management; she believed her folks would take care of everything and, for a while, they did. But when they found out she had gotten into debt they were very disappointed and angry with her. They had no sense that this was a cry for help and a sign that something was out of balance. They reluctantly bailed Gretchen out but she never addressed the underlying issues and, within a short period of time her overshopping escalated and she became even more stressed about this and how to hide it.

Finally, she became so depressed she almost had a nervous breakdown. Her parents eventually discovered her shopping debt again and were dumbfounded about what to do. Gretchen found out about my specialized counseling services through an Internet search and immediately started counseling with me on a weekly basis, read my book, began to attend Debtors Anonymous and Alanon meetings, and avoided stores. I also had a session just with Gretchen’s parents to educate them about compulsive shopping as a real disorder.

In time, Gretchen began to take her life back and regain her dignity. She began to stand up for herself and make her own choices. By exploring her family dynamics, and in particular the conflicting values around money and materialism she was raised with, helped Gretchen understand the role her overshopping was playing in her life. It has been a joy to see this intelligent, vibrant, creative woman rebuild her own sense of self from the ground up. She is now a force to be reckoned with and she rarely gets the urge to overshop. She is able to devote more time to her children, a new relationship, and a new business.

Terrence Shulman, JD, LMSW, ACSW, CAAC, CPC, is founder of The Shulman Center for Compulsive Theft & Spending and a sought-after expert in this field. In addition to providing counseling services and training other professionals, he has appeared widely in the media including Oprah, Prime Time, and 48 Hours. He is the author of “Bought Out and $pent! Recovery from Compulsive $hopping and $pending.” For more information and to contact Terrence directly, visit The Shulman Center website.

“Abundance is not something we acquire. It is something we tune into.”
~Wayne Dyer

I just moved to New Jersey. Actually, my husband and I had been splitting our time between two residences for years, one in Manhattan, and one in NJ. Due some recent changes in our lives, and with the intention of being able to save more money, we recently decided to let go of the city apartment. So, as of the end of June we are now living full-time in NJ.

As I’ve been unpacking and combining the two households, it’s been feeling a bit like Noah’s ark….with ‘two’ of many things: two irons, two jars of nutmeg, two vacuum cleaners, two water filters, a total of 23 pairs of athletic socks, and more kitchen towels than I can shake a stick at.

As I describe this experience to friends, some have suggested holding a yard sale to unload the duplicate items. My personal preference is to simply donate the items we have no need for, but I’m finding that there is something deeper going on for me within this experience, underneath all of the ’stuff.’

This process is bringing up the whole notion of abundance and ‘enoughness.’ I’ve been thinking about something I heard years ago from Joan Sotkin of Prosperity Place. She was talking about abundance and shared a tip that she suggests to her clients if they are struggling to feel abundance and ‘enoughness’ in their lives. She asks us to examine and explore for any areas where we feel this, offering: “For example, do you have enough underwear? Is this a place that feels abundant for you?” [This popped into my mind as I was organizing the 23 pairs of workout socks that now reside in my dresser drawer!]

There is such power in acknowledging and appreciating all that we currently have and are, in the here and now. One concept, borrowed from the Law of Attraction tribe, I subscribe to is “What you appreciate, appreciates.” And getting in touch, in such a literal and tactile way, with all my good fortune has been reminding me of this.

As is so often the case with a move like this, there is an inherent decision making process that happens regarding what to keep and what to get rid of. So by its very nature, decluttering ensues. “Stuff” is always cycling in and out of our lives, and I aim to declutter on a somewhat regular basis. It’s not uncommon for me to ‘declutter’ things that I bought and wound up never using or not liking for some reason. I like to keep this top of mind during any post-decluttering shopping in an attempt to make more conscious purchasing decisions moving forward. I find April Benson’s Six Questions helpful here as well.

Even with this decluttering, the house feels very ‘full’ of not only of ‘things,’ but of love, warmth, laughter, and the ’space of potentiality’ in my new home office, a.k.a. “Financially Smitten HQ.” We are ‘good to go’ for quite a while in a lot of areas [I think we have enough nutmeg to last for the rest of our lives!] and this feels like a comfy place to settle into. Hello New Jersey!

YOUR ACTION STEPS TO FINANCIAL SMITTEN-HOOD:

Bring the concept of ‘enoughness’ into your consciousness this week and make note of the areas in YOUR life where you feel abundance. Use it as an opportunity to cultivate a deeper appreciation and gratitude for all of your blessings.

Schedule some time this week–even if it’s just 15 minutes–for some decluttering. It feels SO cathartic! We all accumulate stuff that winds up–unused–in the corner of the basement, the back of the closet, or under the bathroom sink. Perhaps you might even go through your sock drawer! Share the wealth by giving away or donating these items. Or if you feel inspired, resell them online or organize a yard sale.

I would love to hear about the areas of your life where you are experiencing abundance and enoughness. Please join the conversation in the COMMENTS section below!

This is the second piece in a three-part series on Compulsive Shopping by guest blogger Terrence Shulman, an expert in this area. Click here to read the first post in the series, “Are You A Shopaholic? And If So, Why Might That Be?”

With compulsive overshopping–as with any addiction–getting the right help is key. In addition, continuing to get help, change one’s lifestyle and understand the underlying issues increases one’s odds of maintaining longer-term “recovery.” Therefore, it is recommended that shopaholics seek the following help:

1. Specialized counseling or therapy (typically, general counseling will have limited benefit)—which will help with understanding underlying issues and development of a recovery program
2. Ongoing support groups (in-person, online, or by phone) such as Debtors Anonymous or Shopaholics Anonymous
3. Medication—seek out an addictionologist or a psychiatrist who specializes in treating addictions (some recent studies have shown the medications Naltrexone and Celexa have helped curb urges to shop)
4. Books—read books that are relevant to this topic such as “Bought Out and $pent! Recovery from Compulsive $hopping and $pending” or “To Buy or Not to Buy”
5. Avoid stores or online websites which might be too tempting to visit—especially in early recovery
6. Tell key family and friends about your problem (if they don’t already know) and enlist their support in helping you stay accountable
7. Fill the void left by stopping or reducing shopping with activities that are productive, affirming, and engaging
8. Be on guard for substituting one addiction for another
9. Avoid certain people who agitate you or who tempt you to shop with or for them
10. Adopt various stress reduction activities such as exercise, yoga, meditation, or spiritual practices

Remember, recovery from compulsive shopping is a lot like recovery from compulsive eating or compulsive sex—the goal—unlike recovery from drugs, alcohol, gambling, shoplifting—is not total abstinence but balanced, healthy and moderate shopping/spending in time. Keep your eye on the prize or prizes: it may be to get out of debt, rebuild trust, recover lost time/opportunities and to learn who you really are. Embracing recovery allows new hope and discovery and greater peace and intimacy. If you are a parent, it also is very important to model healthy attitudes and behavior around money and spending and credit and about the relative importance of “stuff”: the children are watching and learning from us.

Terrence Shulman, JD, LMSW, ACSW, CAAC, CPC, is founder of The Shulman Center for Compulsive Theft & Spending and a sought-after expert in this field. In addition to providing counseling services and training other professionals, he has appeared widely in the media including Oprah, Prime Time, and 48 Hours. He is the author of “Bought Out and $pent! Recovery from Compulsive $hopping and $pending.” For more information and to contact Terrence directly, visit The Shulman Center website.