“In business, you don’t get what you deserve,
you get what you negotiate.”
~ Chester L. Karras

I recently wrote an article about a holistic concept of net worth and in the book, Women’s Worth: Finding Your Financial Confidence, author and certified financial planner Eleanor Blayney devotes a complete [excellent] chapter on ‘human capital.” She states: “…our most valuable asset…is our ability to turn our intelligence, education, skills, and experience into income through work.” She goes on to point out that significant wealth is seldom the result of investments in stocks, bonds, and other traditional assets. Rather, our human capital is the path to wealth building.

Blayney shares an illuminating worksheet that calculates the lifetime value of YOUR earnings and shows how things such as asking for a raise, leaving the work force for three years to parent full-time, or getting retraining impacts the value of human capital over time.

She asserts that “the value of your earnings are every bit as important to grow and manage as your investment accounts.” One way to do this to this is to obtain and sustain a competitive standing in the job market. Blayney shares, “Studies have shown, for example, that a college education can increase lifetime earnings by as much as $1 million.”

However vital keeping yourself re-tooled is, it is trumped by an even more important piece of the equation: “asking for more.” Blayney points out that this is something that men are MUCH more comfortable with. The current wage gap means women earn 77 cents for every dollar earned by men in the same job. This may not seem like much, but to put it in perspective, for female college graduates this will result $1.2 million dollars less in earnings over their working life then their male counterparts!

So far, this is my favorite sentence in the book–and may even be one of the most powerful statements I’ve read my whole life:

“I can state with certainty that the investment of time and money spent on improving [negotiation] skills can make women wealthy in a way that simply becoming savvier about investing cannot.”

I hope this is music to some of your ears, because I know how much you ladies dread comprehending your financial portfolios. Now, I’m in no way saying ignore learning about your investments, but it seems to me that there is something super efficient about using negotiation skills to uplevel one’s income. Blayney attests that it is the biggest bang-for-your-buck ROI. AND, negotiating skills can be leveraged in every area of our lives, not simply in our boss’s or client’s office. Think about how beneficial those skills could be in getting your partner to take out the garbage or accompanying you to that chick flick you’re dying to see!

So, ladies, be on the lookout for more information about developing successful negotiation skills because I’m seeing how important this is to rocking your money mojo–and we are going to be on it!

YOUR ACTION STEPS TO FINANCIAL SMITTEN-HOOD:

I’d like you to pull out your Money Journal and write about your response to this article. What images, words, feelings come to mind when you think about “asking for more” and/or negotiating? These are not typically feminine qualities, so I imagine there may be some conflict arising. I’d love to hear your thoughts about this, especially regarding the gender piece. Please share them with me in the comments section below!

This is the final piece in a three-part series on Compulsive Shopping by guest blogger Terrence Shulman, an expert in this area. Click here to read the first post in the series, “Are You A Shopaholic? And If So, Why Might That Be?” The second post, “Help! I’m A Shopaholic!”, can be found here.

A client who recently counseled with me to address her compulsive shopping problem is “Gretchen.” Gretchen is in her mid-40’s and is the owner of her own beauty business in a trendy suburb of a big city. She is divorced and has two young children–one with special needs. She comes from a very wealthy family who valued money and things and had high expectations that Gretchen would be “successful” in life.

As a teenager, Gretchen rebelled somewhat and was more of a “hippie” than a “preppy.” She was trying to find herself apart from her family’s values and expectations. However, during college, she gradually made a new set of female friends who seemed to be more into fashion and appearances and eventually some of this rubbed off on Gretchen. After all, she wanted to fit in.

Upon graduating from college, she had hoped to become a psychologist but she felt uncertain and ended up getting married to a man who turned out to be a severe alcoholic. During her 10-year marriage, she felt increasingly lonely and stressed and began to shop as an escape from her feelings and situation. Eventually, she got divorced and, due to her humiliation and vulnerability, she allowed her parents to encourage her to start a beauty business close to where they lived. They offered to help her financially to start the business and she took a knack to it.

However, she was still stinging from the divorce and deep inside felt like she was giving up on her dream of becoming a psychologist just to please her parents. In addition, in her business she had to dress a certain way and most of her clientele were very much into fashion and appearances as well. Eventually, she became stressed and felt trapped and lonely and her shopping got out of hand. She was buying clothing, knick-knacks, office supplies and her debt quickly mounted.

Gretchen had never really been taught much about money management; she believed her folks would take care of everything and, for a while, they did. But when they found out she had gotten into debt they were very disappointed and angry with her. They had no sense that this was a cry for help and a sign that something was out of balance. They reluctantly bailed Gretchen out but she never addressed the underlying issues and, within a short period of time her overshopping escalated and she became even more stressed about this and how to hide it.

Finally, she became so depressed she almost had a nervous breakdown. Her parents eventually discovered her shopping debt again and were dumbfounded about what to do. Gretchen found out about my specialized counseling services through an Internet search and immediately started counseling with me on a weekly basis, read my book, began to attend Debtors Anonymous and Alanon meetings, and avoided stores. I also had a session just with Gretchen’s parents to educate them about compulsive shopping as a real disorder.

In time, Gretchen began to take her life back and regain her dignity. She began to stand up for herself and make her own choices. By exploring her family dynamics, and in particular the conflicting values around money and materialism she was raised with, helped Gretchen understand the role her overshopping was playing in her life. It has been a joy to see this intelligent, vibrant, creative woman rebuild her own sense of self from the ground up. She is now a force to be reckoned with and she rarely gets the urge to overshop. She is able to devote more time to her children, a new relationship, and a new business.

Terrence Shulman, JD, LMSW, ACSW, CAAC, CPC, is founder of The Shulman Center for Compulsive Theft & Spending and a sought-after expert in this field. In addition to providing counseling services and training other professionals, he has appeared widely in the media including Oprah, Prime Time, and 48 Hours. He is the author of “Bought Out and $pent! Recovery from Compulsive $hopping and $pending.” For more information and to contact Terrence directly, visit The Shulman Center website.

This is the second piece in a three-part series on Compulsive Shopping by guest blogger Terrence Shulman, an expert in this area. Click here to read the first post in the series, “Are You A Shopaholic? And If So, Why Might That Be?”

With compulsive overshopping–as with any addiction–getting the right help is key. In addition, continuing to get help, change one’s lifestyle and understand the underlying issues increases one’s odds of maintaining longer-term “recovery.” Therefore, it is recommended that shopaholics seek the following help:

1. Specialized counseling or therapy (typically, general counseling will have limited benefit)—which will help with understanding underlying issues and development of a recovery program
2. Ongoing support groups (in-person, online, or by phone) such as Debtors Anonymous or Shopaholics Anonymous
3. Medication—seek out an addictionologist or a psychiatrist who specializes in treating addictions (some recent studies have shown the medications Naltrexone and Celexa have helped curb urges to shop)
4. Books—read books that are relevant to this topic such as “Bought Out and $pent! Recovery from Compulsive $hopping and $pending” or “To Buy or Not to Buy”
5. Avoid stores or online websites which might be too tempting to visit—especially in early recovery
6. Tell key family and friends about your problem (if they don’t already know) and enlist their support in helping you stay accountable
7. Fill the void left by stopping or reducing shopping with activities that are productive, affirming, and engaging
8. Be on guard for substituting one addiction for another
9. Avoid certain people who agitate you or who tempt you to shop with or for them
10. Adopt various stress reduction activities such as exercise, yoga, meditation, or spiritual practices

Remember, recovery from compulsive shopping is a lot like recovery from compulsive eating or compulsive sex—the goal—unlike recovery from drugs, alcohol, gambling, shoplifting—is not total abstinence but balanced, healthy and moderate shopping/spending in time. Keep your eye on the prize or prizes: it may be to get out of debt, rebuild trust, recover lost time/opportunities and to learn who you really are. Embracing recovery allows new hope and discovery and greater peace and intimacy. If you are a parent, it also is very important to model healthy attitudes and behavior around money and spending and credit and about the relative importance of “stuff”: the children are watching and learning from us.

Terrence Shulman, JD, LMSW, ACSW, CAAC, CPC, is founder of The Shulman Center for Compulsive Theft & Spending and a sought-after expert in this field. In addition to providing counseling services and training other professionals, he has appeared widely in the media including Oprah, Prime Time, and 48 Hours. He is the author of “Bought Out and $pent! Recovery from Compulsive $hopping and $pending.” For more information and to contact Terrence directly, visit The Shulman Center website.

I’m thrilled and honored to announce a special three-part series of blog posts by my colleague Terrence Shuman, an expert in compulsive spending and founder of The Shumlan Center for Compulsive Theft & Spending. Today’s post defines and explains some of the roots of compulsive shopping. In his next two posts, Terrence will suggest a number of helpful resources and places to get support for compulsive shopping, and share an inspiring story of recovery during the work with one of his clients.

For those of you who’d ‘rather be shopping,’ a passing thought might arise, “Is this really a problem?” Or perhaps your shopping behaviors are concerning to you or to others in your life. So what really signifies a problem? Humorously coined in the media, a “shopaholic” may also be referred to as a “compulsive shopper,” a “compulsive spender,” an “overshopper” or “overspender,” or a “compulsive buyer.” When we are referring to a shopaholic in the serious sense of the word, we are talking about a person—male or female—who uses shopping as a drug and who is no different from any other “addict.” So, like any addict, most shopaholics eventually cross a line and show the following tell-tale signs of an addiction or compulsion:

1. a progression of shopping which leads to more and more time spent shopping or more and more money spent shopping
2. a sense of being out of control with shopping or an inability to set limits and stick to them
3. preoccupation or obsession or agitation when one goes for certain periods of time without shopping
4. lying, hiding, concealing or deceitful behavior—hiding purchases, opening up secret accounts, lying about whereabouts, etc
5. negative consequences associated with shopping including loss of time, loss of money (debt), loss of relationships, difficulty managing one’s life
6. others express concern about the person’s shopping
7. items bought are often unused or hoarded
8. continuing to shop/spend, lie or hide shopping or spending, despite negative consequences and/or confrontation

People overshop for different reasons, and perhaps even different reasons at different times. Here are some sub-categories of shopaholics:

Compulsive shoppers—primarily shop when strong or difficult emotions arise
Trophy Shoppers—have to have the best of everything but more for one’s own satisfaction than to impress others
Image Shoppers—have to look the best of have the best in order to feel good about oneself and, usually, to fit in or impress others
Bargain Shoppers—have to get the deal, the steal in order to feel satisfied or victorious
Codependent Shoppers—tend to shop more for others than themselves, try to buy love/friendship, don’t feel worthy unless giving
Bulimic Shoppers—buy and return, buy and return: get a rush and fill-up and then feel sick/remorseful and purge by returning; cycles continues
Collector Shoppers—obsessed with accumulating sets of things or rare things for value or sense of order/completion/control

There are a number of emotional/psychological reasons people become shopaholics, often traced to childhood experiences. Oftentimes there is a history of severe material and/or emotional deprivation when they were young or, conversely, extreme overindulgence or spoiling. The top ten reasons people struggle with overshopping are:

Grief and Loss/Loneliness (To Fill a Void)
Anger (To Make Life Fair/To Get Back at Someone)
Depression (To Get a Lift)
Anxiety/Stress (To Soothe/Escape/Comfort)
Acceptance/Competition (To Fit In or Belong/Keep up with The Joneses)
Power/Control (To Counteract Feeling of Powerlessness)
Boredom/Excitement (To Live on the Edge)
Shame/Low Self-esteem (To Make Oneself Feel Better)
Entitlement/Reward (To Compensate for Suffering or Sacrifice)
Rebellion/Initiation (To Break into One’s Own Identity/Search for Self/Distinguish/Define)

Terrence Shulman, JD, LMSW, ACSW, CAAC, CPC, is founder of The Shulman Center for Compulsive Theft & Spending and a sought-after expert in this field. In addition to providing counseling services and training other professionals, he has appeared widely in the media including Oprah, Prime Time, and 48 Hours. He is the author of “Bought Out and $pent! Recovery from Compulsive $hopping and $pending.” For more information and to contact Terrence directly, visit The Shulman Center website.

“We can tell our values by looking at our checkbook stubs.“
~Gloria Steinem

I recently attended my mentor Barbara Stanny’s Overcoming Underearning workshop. She shared a number of tips and tools with us, but one that resonated strongly with me is the values clarification exercise. [You can find it in her Overcoming Underearning book.] She provides a long list of life values, such as family, beauty, success, travel, etc. and asks you to choose your top ten. This is actually much harder than you might think! I felt a sense of completion having come up with ten, but was then asked to whittle the list down to my top five! I found this to be very challenging. But, it was also incredibly illuminating. There is something deeply grounding about knowing your top five values, and I find them a helpful decision-making compass that relates not only to money, but life in general.

One of my top five values is learning. I am always taking classes, workshops, and working privately with mentors. However, one of the things I found recently is that I was not taking the time to read books on my [quite long] reading list. And true confession, this is what prompted me to launch the Financially Smitten Book Salon. I wanted this accountability…to know that each month I need to show up and lead a discussion about a book on money psychology. [I do hope you will join me for this opportunity to nurture YOUR relationship with money!]

Another one of my mentors, Bari Tessler from Conscious Bookkeeping, also speaks about the importance of knowing one’s values. In fact, she has designed a brilliant and creative method to track one’s finances, which she refers to as ‘values-centered’ bookkeeping. Bari advises her students to come up with meaningful and fun categories for what is typically a staid ‘chart of accounts.’ So for example, what might normally be referred to as ‘Rent’ or ‘Mortgage’ is now coined ‘Sweet Sanctuary’ or ‘Relaxing Refuge.’ It puts a whole new spin on budgeting and accounting! She also encourages her students to review monthly numbers to monitor if the ways we are using our money truly reflect our values.

This was enlightening for me recently as I witnessed the expenditures in my “Soul Restoration” category waning. I had the feeling that I was working too much, but looking at the numbers really hit home for me. As they say–numbers don’t lie–and I had an opportunity to revisit how I was spending both my money and my time. So…a museum date got scheduled!

YOUR ACTION STEPS TO FINANCIAL SMITTEN-HOOD:

Get clear on YOUR values, girl! Here are a few suggestions to guide you:

• Google ‘values clarification exercises’ for a variety of free web resources

• Ask yourself: How would I spend the next six months if I found out that was all I had left to live?

• Write your own obituary, putting into it all of your life long accomplishments of which you are proud and why you are proud of them. If you died tomorrow, what would you like others to say about you?

• Imagine you have received a million dollars. What would you now do with your life?

These exercises will help provide insights into what is genuinely important to you.

It is not always easy to make decisions and take actions that are in synch with our true values. As I shared above with the Book Salon example, think about how you can create “accountability” to support yourself to live a life aligned with your values. I’d love to hear what your ‘top five’ are and if knowing this has changed any decisions you are making, especially regarding money. Please join the conversation in the Comments section below!